Tiptoeing Through the Tulips

Spring is here. Or so the calendar says. I look outside and I see a different story. It is very gray, very cold and very snowy. It is not spring. There is no green, no buds on trees, no grass trying to come back to life after a long snow-covered slumber. There is no scent of dirt and rain on the air. Intellectually, I know that spring does not come here until at least April or May but it seems to be taking an awfully long time this year.

You see, I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder. It is a type of depression that settles in as the sky turns gloomy and cold and we do not see sun or life for months on end. It feels like a never ending abyss of dismal and dank and depression. It feels miserable. I am not a good mom or a good wife in the winter. I am not a good homemaker or a good visiting teacher. I am not a good Activity Days leader or a good Primary teacher. I am not a good school volunteer and definitely not a good friend. I can barely get myself out of bed and get the basics done. I often do not get dressed and do not do all the things I know I should. On a mental level I know all of this and yet I feel powerless to do anything else.

I bought myself these tulips to remind myself that Spring always comes. After the long winter there is always a thaw and life returns.

As the first vestiges of Spring make themselves known, I always feel like a weight is being lifted. Like the fog that has clouded my head and heart for months is being burned off by the sunshine and warmth. How I long for that feeling and for the ability to be all of those things I once was. As Springs brings new life to the earth, it also brings new life to me. For now, I will enjoy the tulips and know that Spring is right around the corner.