The Great Debate

To Procreate or Not to Procreate - that is the question on our minds these days. This may seem like a highly personal thing and not something to discuss on a blog but I just feel like lately I need to talk through my thoughts so I can make a really informed choice. If you wish to leave now, I will totally understand! So, we begin .....

It all began with the realization that my baby was turning two soon. How in the WORLD did THAT happen?!? Normally I would be pregnant by now, or desperately trying to get pregnant, praying, hoping and wishing I was pregnant as everywhere I went every woman I saw was pregnant or holding a brand new baby. I now realize that was probably just my overcrazed hormones at work, fooling me into believing that my insanity was actually rational .... who would have guessed?! It dawned on me soon after I realized that my daughter, my BABY, was soon to be two that I also felt quite okay not being pregnant. Actually, I felt quite happy not to be pregnant. I could still remember the disaster that is the business of growing a human. I remember the horrible 12-16 weeks at the beginning when I want to barf every second of the day. I remember the relief of the middle as I feel like I have my life and energy back and then begin to overcompensate for all the misery of the last 3-4 months. Then I hit 7 months. Oh 7 months, how I dislike you. I begin to get achy. Crampy. Whiney. Miserable. Then 8 months hits. Wow - 7 months was a breeze compared to 8 months. Now 9 months. Seriously, it actually gets WORSE?!? This is a joke, right? I cannot eat, sleep, move or breathe and I am about to go through the worst pain of my life. Can I please? All this is just ammo for my argument - I do not want to do that again.

Unfortunately, I also now had baby on the brain. Again, everywhere I looked (and still look) I saw pregnant women and brand new babies. To make matters worse my Sister in Law went and had a baby that is too far away for me to smell or hold :( Love that girl, but seriously? Killing me. Images of newborn babes keep cropping up in my mind, though. Those sweet smelling newborn heads, that peach fuzz all over their backs, those tiny hands and feet. And five kids, that sounds so FUN! Like a real party! I know it sounds like I am kidding but I am not. I can imagine the good family times we would have and the kids having a blast together. I also see visions of a little brother for Jack. As IF that is not a reason in and of itself to just do it. The knowledge that it is a 50/50 chance to be another girl takes over though and then I am back to square one. Back at "I am not sure I want to go back to square one".

That is the other part that is holding me back. The first few days, weeks, months, okay year or two after the baby is born is gruelling. Each time, it has gotten worse and four just about did me in. Did US in. Do I really want to go through all that again. Put my family, my children, my Mr. through all that again. It was no picnic and we all are just coming out of the haze. Of course, once you are on the other side of it, it all seems doable again but we come back to the beginning again - do we WANT to?

I read a great article about this very thing recently HERE - read it if you like. I really do love her perspective and I think she said it all quite well. As if I need more confusion though!!!

I am sure by now, all of you are saying "DUH! Pray about it Banks!" As if I haven't been doing that for almost 6 months straight. As if I don't pray about it every morning and night. Every month when we go to the Temple. Every time I see a baby. For no reason at all. Wanna know a secret? I am still praying because I haven't gotten an answer. All this time and I still feel just as confused as I always have. So maybe that is my answer. Maybe that is Heavenly Father telling me that I am not ready or that I may do as I wish or that it just doesn't matter either way.

So there you have it, the great baby debate. What I need from all of you (if there are ANY of you out there) is some help. What are your thoughts on this? Where have you gotten answers from? What gives you strength and courage? Scriptures you want to share? Peace of mind? Insights?

For now I am going to go sniff a baby's head .....